Supporting a Spouse with Anxiety
Supporting a Spouse with Anxiety
We have all of the blog posts on how to support your own anxiety, but what if you’re the one helping to manage your spouses anxiety? It’s like being forced into a game blindfolded. You’re grasping at straws with not a clue on how to support your partner whilst finding your own levels of impatience and frustration because you just don’t know how to make it better. Here are a few tips on how to support your spouse.
Don’t try to fix them
They aren’t broken. I know this feels really hard because it’s triggering for us to see our partner so upset, but they aren’t coming to you to be fixed. They aren’t broken. They simply need your support. They need you to reply with “I hear you.” They need a hug. They don’t need to be fixed.
Validate them.
When your partner is suffering from anxiety, they likely feel unlovable. They may feel fear that you don’t want to be near them and that you don’t understand them. Saying things to try and “fix” become invalidating and perpetuate their fears of being unlovable or like they are dumb or overreacting. Sayings such as, “Just calm down.” or “I don’t have time for this right now. “ or “We’ve been through this before.” or “You’re over worrying.
Instead, say things like this:
This feels really overwhelming.
That sounds really hard.
I can completely see why this feels so big.
Try not to say things like:
It’s okay.
Don’t worry so much.
Let’s think about this rationally.
Just try not to think about it.
You’re being oversensitive.
Don’t rationalize their fear
I bet you they already rationally understand the situation and their thinking. It’s that anxiety is a physiological response and they’re trying to get those symptoms under control. Rationalizing the fear for them will likely trigger them more, thinking something’s wrong with them and feeling even more “stuck.”
Prompt ways to cope
Create a list together outside of a time of an anxiety attack. Often, your partner will forget about this list because their brain is in fight or flight when dealing with anxiety. After validating them and their anxiety, ask, “Hey, have you tried _______”
Some ideas for things to do when anxious are:
EFT Tapping
Meditating
Music
A bath
A walk
“Phone a friend”
Essential Oils
Deep breathing
Understand their triggers.
This isn’t to then become co-dependent and try to save them, but instead to really UNDERSTAND them. My husband knows my triggers. He knows that if the kids don’t feel well, I may experience anxiety. So if one of our kids has a slight fever, he knows I’m likely feeling anxious even if I’m not saying anything. And he can then support me via ideas above, or at least hold space for me knowing I’m working through it. You can do the same for your partner. To be able to recognize the situations that may be harder for them and be more prepared to support them in those spaces.
Allow yourself to process
It is HARD being the support partner for someone with anxiety. Be sure to take care of yourself. Don’t allow your partners’ anxieties to hold you back from things you love. It’s important that they see that it’s safe to keep living. Find your space and time to recoup and reset when things are feeling extra hard.
Speaking as a partner who has the anxiety, it has made a TREMENDOUS difference in my healing when my husband began following these steps to help support me. It makes a tremendous difference and will also help you feel helpful instead of helpless.
We can do hard things. You got this!
I also love to create an individualized journey for those who go through the Layered Growth Academy and help them with this part of their journey. Partners get a lot out of LGA, too! I am now accepting 2 women a month to join LGA. The first of every month, two more spots open. Don’t miss yours!