Anxiety in Motherhood & How to Turn It OFF
Anxiety in Motherhood & How to Turn it OFF
In hindsight, I think I’m someone who probably experienced anxiety at a young age, but it was never identified as such by any family, medical professionals or even myself. The reason being, our society sweeps shit under the rug.
I remember my mom and step-dad had just gotten married, we moved through three different schools in one school year as a result of transitioning into our new blended family and moving into a new home, 45 minutes away from the home and friends I had known for my 8 short years of life. Honestly? It was a really nice time in our lives. Good things were shifting and changing, BUT you look back and think “well holy crap, that is a lot to go through!”. I think what the ingredient that likely through this entire recipe off was that at this time, no secret to anyone who knew us, is that custody battles were real. Fighting over money to raise children was real. We were right in the bell curve of a divorced family and you know what? This stuff that happens, and it happens to a lot of families. We were no exception.
Let’s also talk about how I’m a highly sensitive individual with strong empathic qualities and had no freaking clue until I was about 30 years old. This article explains an HSP really well. Essentially, my brain is different. I see more, I feel more, my awareness is through the roof and as a result I have difficulty with transitions, I become easily overwhelmed, I have difficulty prioritizing my needs… and the list goes on.
Empaths often go hand in hand with being an HSP. Here are is an article that describes the characteristics of an empath and can help you determine if you might be one.
In short, I am 100%, no question, an empath and an HSP. So when I was about 9 years old and was experiencing dry mouth, the feeling of my throat closing all of the time making it so hard to eat food that I rarely ate (and kept it a secret), or would wake my mom up and tell her I thought I was dying and couldn’t breath, we chalked it up to some asthma and put me back to bed. Obviously in hindsight, I was clearly suffering anxiety. Here’s the thing though, emotionally and inwardly, while I had any typical spectrum of emotions (for an HSP ha!), I didn’t identify anything that ever felt like anxiety. I was, overall, a very happy, full of love, playful, energetic and creative kid.
Throughout my life as a non-mother, I’d say I experienced several situations that could be identified as anxiety, but NOTHING prepares you for the anxiety you experience after becoming a mother. Is it post partum anxiety? Is it hormonal? Is it fatigue? I have my own theories and continue to research as I write my book. What I have found, especially polling ladies in my free Same Boat Huddle group, is that many women have the same report. That they experienced anxiety some time after becoming a mother and only then realized that they LIKELY suffered from anxiety before becoming a mother but never realized it. This, to me, is huge. It’s very telling in how our society supports mental health or even talks about it let alone supports it. It’s also very telling in that SOMETHING happens when we become mothers; something on a physical-physiological-neurological-relational-emotional-spiritual-societal-mental-to the core level.
And while I personally believe we need to take a much closer look at this and make more sense of it so we can understand the root of what the hell is happening, what I really want you to take away from this article is how to MANAGE it.
First, can we very quickly talk about what anxiety is? Or, more specifically, what it isn’t. I think this piece is crucial to understand before you manage it. How can we manage something we actually don’t understand?
Anxiety is not an emotion that we can talk ourselves out of.
This is the definition of anxiety In a quick internet search: Intense, excessive, and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations. Fast heart rate, rapid breathing, sweating, and feeling tired may occur.
You know what really pisses me off about this? “persistent worry and fear about everyday situations.”
No. Just NO.
I have fallen into this trap; the destructive self-talk that there’s something wrong with me that I worry too much. And then the ever famous response from a loved one, “It’s okay, Erin. Just don’t worry so much.”
Oh, okay! I’ll just STOP! Ha!
And then when I couldn’t, I’d spiral further. What was wrong with me that I couldn’t turn this off?? It was like trying to fight my way out of quicksand. Or like something was strangling me and I wanted it to stop and the more I fought and pleaded, the harder it was to breath.
Anxiety is a neurological response to a trigger which results in physical and physiological responses. It’s not an emotion that we can choose to change. The brain is insanely intelligent, but it also sometimes gets confused. Our brain needs patterns. It wants to see the same things happen because it doesn’t like unpredictability. So, as a mother, we become hyper alert and aware and biologically are responsible to keep other people alive.
No pressure.
So, let’s say your kid falls and needs stitches. Your kid gets a fever and needs to go to the hospital. Your kid chokes. Your kid has a febrile seizure from a fever. Your kid runs out into the road and almost gets hit by a car. ANY of these things are going to turn off the parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest), turn ON the sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight) and your brain is going to make SURE that your kid doesn’t die. The adrenaline pumps, you lift cars, teleport to hospitals and run 60mph and you save your child. It’s truly a super power.
But here’s the thing. Because our brain loves patterns, it’s going to look for this pattern EVERY FLIPPING TIME aka your everyday situations. So is this fear and worry? I guess, kinda? But really, it’s a neurological response that you have no control over.
BUT WE DO have control. Over time, we can actually rewire our brains to not respond this way, but it takes consistency, patience, meltdowns, set backs, and time. Like months. But I promise it’s possible.
Some other things to consider that help juice our anxiety tank - not eating, not sleeping, not socializing and too much time on the phone. So, basically how every single mother functions at baseline in the year 2020. It’s no wonder it seems like every single one of us is experiencing some anxiety.
Oh? And then if you’re an empath or HSP… shit gets so real, friends.
But listen. I am everything I explained above and I climbed out of the anxiety merry-go-round. You can, too. Here are some of my tried and true ways that I have rewired my brain.
Please note: I personally did not take medication for reasons that are a moot point here, but please talk to your medical professional to be sure you take the appropriate path for you and know these tips can be added into any routine to help support your anxiety, medication or not.
Put YOUR oxygen mask on FIRST
When you fly, they explain that you MUST put your oxygen mask on first and THEN you can help others. Why? Because with every movement you make, you are losing your own oxygen in helping others and if you don’t breath, you die. But if you put your darn mask on first, you can help a crap ton more people and live.
WHY do we refuse to put our oxygen mask on?? We live in the story of “I feel guilty.”
CHANGE YOUR STORY.
Instead of “I feel guilty” to take time to sleep, nurture yourself, meditate, eat, take a nap, sit down and read instead of do the dishes, remind yourself that doing these things is giving you more oxygen so you can ultimately DO MORE and be more present for your kids and your family. It’s hard to get used to, but I can’t tell you enough that if you don’t put your mask on you DIE.
Is skipping out on oxygen making you feel good right? Do you feel energized and capable and calm and present? Or do you feel like you’re drowning and could fall over at any moment with everything you’re trying to do for other people?
Okay, no shame ladies. Our society has trained us to function this way. It’s okay. But it’s also okay to give it the ol’ Ross double fist tap (if you don’t know what I’m referring to, some Friends episodes may be good to add to your list of oxygen mask activities) and do what you know is going to save you and your family.
So, what things can you put on your oxygen mask list? (You know, the things that will give you life and allow you to be able to take care of all of the little and big people and do all of the things without dying).
Here are some mine to get you started and thinking and then go ahead and make your own list. OH, and super important - I schedule at least 3 of these things EVERY DAY. Remember, put your mask on FIRST.
brain dump journaling
Controlled alcohol consumption
little caffeine
lots of water
balanced nutrition/meals
moving my body
daily meditation
scheduled quiet
early bed
up before the kids
vitamins
music/dancing
reading for pleasure
essential oils
baths or long hot showers
walking my dog
The moral of this tool is this. Remember when I said that our rest and digest turns off and then our fight or flight turns on? When we don’t take care of ourselves, when we don’t eat, when we don’t sleep, when we don’t breath, when we don’t move or nourish our bodies, they are going to respond by switching over into the fight or flight ALL THE TIME. Not just in the occasional moments when we need it (yes, this part of our bodily response is absolutely necessary and is designed to keep us alive), but instead, it’s like it’s short wiring and turning on and staying on. It’s literally a slow and painful death and we have every right and all of the power to CHOOSE to put our mask on first.
Invest in You
If your child’s doctor came to you and said, “Your child is dying. The prognosis is it will be slow, months, maybe years… possibly even decades. BUT if you spend money for this therapy, these vitamins, this doctor, this trip and this food, they will have 100% chance to leave and make a full recovery.”
Would you think twice about investing in those things?
Nope. And neither would I. I would rummage through my closets to sell things we no longer need. I’d stop drinking Starbucks and forbid myself from going to Target. I’d take out a credit card or a loan if I needed. I would set up payment plans and I’d start cutting coupons.
Why don’t we do this for ourselves?
Therapy, a natural doctor, a retreat, coaching, a retreat, Reiki. We are appalled at the costs of these things because we ARE TERRIFIED TO INVEST IN OURSELVES. We feel GUILTY putting on the oxygen mask first.
But what if this is the stuff that will save your life? What if because of it you find a new relationship with your spouse, with your kids, with YOURSELF?! What if because of it you find your passion and your joy and again? How can we put a price on this??
Investing in myself has been the absolute best thing I’ve ever decided to do. And I’ve become very good and knowing when to invest and when not to and able to do it without the fear.
Ask yourself if your life is worth it. And if it is, find the modalities and the people who you know in your gut are going to help save your life. And then trust them and invest in them.
Get The Heck Out
Or, if you’re an introvert like me, Invite people in. Depending on where I am in my cycle (which I’ll get to) determines if I’m up for going out or not. My point? It’s literally imperative that we get out and socialize with real people in real life. It’s literally juice for our brains and studies have shown that our increase in lack of person to person interaction is reverting our brains into their primitive functioning…. which required a TON of fight or flight response for survival. AKA anxiety. So yes, that cup of coffee with a friend or inviting a friend over for some tea or a play date will actually directly decrease your anxiety. But again, it’s okay to have the awareness to know “hey I’m an introvert (or an HSP or an empath) and leaving the house right now will throw me into an anxiety attack.” Awesome! Find someone you’re comfortable with to come over to your house. Even if it’s your mom. SOCIALIZE! INTERACT!
Get Woo
Meditation, crystals, sage, tapping and energetic healing.
These are all a lot to take in and what I recommend is that you choose one and explore it. Put it into your search engine. Say out loud “I want to learn more about this” and watch the stuff fall into your lap. Some short info on each:
Meditation is a practice and trains your brain to me more present and mindful. Presence equals less anxiety. You need to meditate daily. Not sure where to start? Insight timer and Calm are my two favorite apps. Download it and get started. It doesn’t matter how you sit, where are you are or what time of day it is. Quit the excuses and resistance and go for it.
Crystals hold different frequencies. It’s science. We all are balls of energy (you know… the atom??) and anxiety, depression and anger are all vibrating and extremely low frequencies. Using crystals, you can literally change the frequency at which you’re functioning by your body matching the frequency of the stone you’re holding. It’s kinda cool. And if anything else, they’re beautiful and are great tangible reminders to breath, smile or whatever intension you put into them.
Sage smudging is a Native American ritual used to clear negative energy. And if anything else, it’s been proven to kill bacteria in the air. So if anything, you can clear your house of germs.
EFT Tapping stand for emotional freedom technique and has been scientifically proven to remove anxiety, depression, physical injuries among so many other things. It’s based off of acupuncture points and has healed me of so many things. I absolutely love using this technique in the middle of an anxiety attack to move it from a 10 to even a 7 and then down from there. It’s very powerful.
Energetic healing. Research your chakras, go get Reiki, find AWARENESS around and within your body and connect with your intuition. It’s so powerful!
Eat Your Dang Veggies
Okay, so this seems obvious. We tell our kids they need them but then we skip meals. I’m not going to going into grave detail with this (because I’m writing a book and I’ll go into grave detail there) BUT know this. If you don’t eat you will likely suffer anxiety, a compromised immune system and be tired. EAT YOUR FOOD. Eat well rounded food. FAT IS FUEL. Eggs and avocado for breakfast is awesome, for example. Get that protein, get the micro nutrients, get the fat, and get the carbs. Not eating is completely effing up your hormones and we need balanced hormones to have a properly functioning parasympathetic nervous system. If they are out of wack, you guessed it, the fight or flight is on. That’s when our adrenals go wacky, our thyroid goes nuts, the autoimmune disease flare up, the anxiety is out of control, etc., etc. EAT YOUR DANG VEGGIES.
Rituals Aren’t Just for Witches
Remember that your brain likes pattern and routine. Set up the rituals that FILL YOUR TANK. I have set morning and evening rituals (they involve tea, journaling, meditation, oracle cards, sitting quietly and reading). It can be something as simple as putting on face cream each night and flossing your teeth. Or when you wake up, smiling and taking 3 deep breaths before you get out of bed no matter who’s screaming for you, or putting on your favorite essential oil before leaving the house.
We need rituals.
Find the Magic (in our cycles)
Again, this could be a book. Here’s what I’ll say, our monthly 28 day cycle is MAGIC if we understand it. There are 4 phases in our cycle that we move through in 28 days (follow the moon phases if you you are pregnant or don’t have a 28-ish day cycle). Men go through the same 4 phases in 24 hours and our society and culture is designed to function in this 24 hour cycle.
THAT is why we have weeks we can run a marathon and the next week we just can’t. Or one week we’re on fire with ideas and networking and 2 weeks later we want to crawl under our covers and talk to no one and just can’t seem to get our brains to work.
Instead of seeing this as a detriment it’s pretty fantastic to be able to plan and schedule once we understand our patterns in these 4 weeks. Everything begins to make sense and all of a sudden we realize “oh hey, I usually have a full breakdown on day 23 of my cycle. I better plan accordingly” aka bubble baths and not a schedule full of stuff to do.
Reading the book Do Less by Kate Northrup was very eye opening and educational around this information and using the New Moon Calendar Journal is allowing me to really track and understand my cycle.
Call Poison Control
If our kid ate a stick of deodorant or got into cleaning supplies, we’d call poison control, right? You know why? BECAUSE IT’S TOXIC.
The US has 11 (ELEVEN!) banned chemicals on the list of things that can go into our products. You know, the stuff we put on our face, bodies, use to clean, put in our air. Europe has 1400. Fourteen HUNDRED chemicals banned that have been proven to cause cancer and birth defects.
I’ll step off of this soap box because I can spiral. But my point - our skin is our biggest organ. Anything we put on it goes into our bloodstream in 26 seconds. Aside from the big, scary things that can happen, one of the biggest things that isn’t discussed is our endocrine system. You know, the system that houses our hormone functioning. The system that when imbalanced makes our body go into fight or flight. AKA anxiety.
It’s overwhelming to get rid of everything toxic, so I preach the “ditch and switch” method. Do one thing at a time. I share my ditch and switch suggestions weekly on my IG feed and am happy to get you set up with my two favorite companies, Young Living and Beauty Counter. From cleaning supplies, supplements, air fresheners, immune support, make up and skin care, they are my go-to.
This is one of the easiest ways to begin to support your system and move out of fight or flight.
Put Your Phone to Sleep
It’s no secret that screen time is known to be not so good, right? Lately, I’ve become more fascinated with it as I’ve seen a tremendous shift in all of my family as we have been more cognizant of our screen time.
A trusted doctor of mine is my encyclopedia for all brain questions. We recently discussed an article that found the increased screen time was causing issues in children’s brain development, particularly in the frontal lobe. The part of our brain that essentially controls our personality and communication ability. We are growing brains that no longer know how to communicate and it’s ultimately affecting our personality. We are designed to live in villages, to socialize and work together whether as a family or beyond that and we are losing this. It’s becoming detrimental on so many levels.
Not to mention when we’re on our phones, we often consume the fetal position. WHO feels good in the fetal position? We innately do this when we are scared, in fear, in pain or sad. Soooooo how the hell does our brain understand anything different? You are likely going to feel scared, in fear, in pain and sad when you’re on your phone too much.
PUT IT TO BED. Have your phone time. Have your non-phone time. Make dinner with your kids. Dance together, go for hikes without posting it on social media. We need to detach from our phones. Find your boundaries and put them in place.
And no, it’s not going to be easy because our brains love patterns. SO, this is a great time to Implement a different and new ritual around when you are choosing not to have your phone so your brain can begin to look forward to this new pattern.
Don’t Forget Your Ovaltine
Okay, not really because that stuff is toxic and I don’t even think it exists anymore. But don’t forget your vitamins. This is a huge component of getting all of the things your body needs to have balance hormones and a happy functioning brain. I strongly recommend working with a hormonal nutritionist, an herbalist or a naturopath to get you set up on the right vitamin regimen for your body. MANY women are deficient in omegas, magnesium and B vitamins. (along with a plethora of other imbalances which are so individualized which is why I recommend working with a professional). To get started, I recommend a high end multi, omega-3, B complex and a high quality pro-biotic.
Be the Cool Boss
You know the bosses who micromanage, never let you do your own thing, are constantly yelling and never saying, “hey great job” to their employees, and refuse to give up control? Yeah, those are usually the bosses who are less liked and typically stressed AF.
You know the boss that let’s you leave a little early for a doctor’s appointment and they don’t doc you? Or delegates everything, or takes breaks to eat lunch with the staff or play some music or give really good feedback, or who smile a lot, or bring you a coffee? Those are the cool bosses.
Let’s be honest. Moms are BOSS BABES. We rule the roost in our patriarchal society. And when we are running around micromanaging, trying to control everything and wear the fleeting supermom cape, we are draining ourselves and no one around us is happy.
BE THE COOL BOSS.
Ask for help. Delegate. My saying? I’m not the only one with opposable thumbs in this house and my family knows it.
Throw the dance party instead of folding clothes. Make breakfast for dinner. Eat some popcorn in bed. Welcome the sitter over so you can go for a walk by yourself. Tell your husband you need a night alone and will be going to bed right after dinner, “Thanks for helping and cleaning up, too, love!” (and remember, he scratches your back, you scratch his. It’s a team effort.”
Brainstorm and think of what you can delegate. It’s okay for us to relinquish a little control and ask others to take some responsibility. It can turn into a really beautiful and rewarding collaborative effort.
Well then!
I feel like I gave you a full excerpt of my book. I’m so passionate about this information that I simply can’t write a short blog post and send you off.
I beg you to dig DEEPER into your anxiety if it’s something that is interrupting your daily life. It’s so easy for us to get the symptoms to dissipate because they’re so uncomfortable, but it’s not going to make it go away. Finding your root cause and healing is essential in fixing this.
And please know that you’re not alone in feeling this way or having to navigate how to heal. My Same Boat Huddle group is tremendously supportive and compassionate with every member going through similar life experiences.
My book is planned to be on the shelves in September 2020 sharing more about how I came to experience my anxiety after having children and how I dug deep into figuring out what was going on. I’m also going to share even more, in depth ways to heal your anxiety and even prepare for motherhood so that you can catch the warning signs early.
And as always, remember….
You are NOT ALONE.
You are NOT your anxiety.
This WILL change.
If you’re reading this and got this far, then I know you’re someone who is in the thick of trying to find peace and healing. I send you so much of my heart and love. I want you to know that it won’t be like this forever. Breath in and know this in your heart that it will NOT be like this forever. There is healing. Taking small action steps to begin to move the needle forward.
Oh. And remember the part that I said about investing in yourself? If you are ready. If you know that you’re reading this post for a reason, that you were lead here and it’s your sign to put your mask on, I would love to hold your hand and guide you to health again.
Create Your Best Life is my signature program that has changed lives. Review and info are here.
And this year’s Moms Retreat is being held in April and September with all info here.
