Week 13 | Quarantine Chronicles {emotional rollercoaster}

Mar 30

Written By Erin

Week 13 | Quarantine Chronicles

Just shy of 3 weeks ago,

I received an unexpected phone call from my daughter’s school informing us that school was closing at 1pm and would remain closed Friday. I knew then this was something big; to not complete the last two hours of school? This was big; I could feel the power of it as it bubbled up from my belly and escaped as tears as I folded in half into my own lap while kneeling on the floor. Yet, there was this part of me that held hope that it would be just those two days and we could return to our normal lives that following Monday.

And here we are, nearly 3 weeks later, yesterday learning this will extend through April. The processing time has lagged greatly behind the external expectations to keep a ball moving and life continuing. It’s been fascinating for me to observe everyone’s responses: there’s a bigger message, being home is good, being home is bad, anxiety and fear, ignorance, anger projected towards the world and others, self imposed expectations and so on. And the hardest part? I think every one of us has felt all of these feelings in a given week.

This past week was one that moved through a lot of different feelings for me. Starting the week with our daughter’s seventh birthday; while I was filled with gratitude for the influx of gifts and cards for her, I found myself sitting in a space of agitation and irritability. I felt like I couldn’t breath or get a moment to myself.

By Tuesday, I fell apart. Big and ugly I fell apart. Once I allowed the anger to push itself out of me I sat feeling sad and “unheld”. It’s not a word, but any mother reading this, I know you hear me. I feel like I’ve been doing all of the holding for everyone in so many big ways and no one was holding me. But as I gave my tears permission to fall, they held me. And in this, I learned the biggest lesson(s). To let my children learn how to hold space for me, to see me as human, and give them their own power in knowing how to hold their mom. And for me to allow my emotions to move out fully. To not push them back down out of shame or pride but to let every ugly and uncomfortable part of the emotions to come out. And then instead of apologizing, saying thank you. Thank you for allowing me to fall apart and still hold me and love me for who I am.

As this emotion moved through and out, the rest of the week was filled with beautiful light, ease and flow. We allowed ourselves to follow a lose schedule that helped guide our day but ultimately let quiet time turn into playing tag outback and my quiet walk with the dog turn into a family walk holding hands. Vibrations felt high and happy only to lead us into a very dark and rainy weekend and online learning looming over our heads.

In moments like these, we let the weather often dictate our feelings and that’s okay. It’s okay to be inward, to feel sad and lost. We are all moving through this with collective grief; something incredibly powerful in all of this is how an entire nation (and world) are feeling the same thing. And, together, as we learn how to juggle the online learning world, I want to remind you:

You are doing the best you can. Please don’t watch how your neighbors or other parents are making this work. It becomes noise that is distracting you from your own intuition and compass. YOU know what is best for your family and your children. When you feel angry and want to point a figure at the school, the teacher, your spouse or even yourself, stop. Every single person is showing up the very best that they can in all of this. We are troubleshooting together. We WILL get through this.